Michael Spencer has some helpful advice for parents: "Some Mistakes to Avoid With Young Adult Children".

I think we should leave out the "Children" part in the title. I have been reading "Do Hard Things" by Alex and Brett Harris. They talk about the confusion that has been created with treating a young adult, that looks, speaks and often smells like an adult, like a child. There is a lot of history as to how this happened, but our culture expects very little from young adults these days, and unfortunately, they often live up to it. 

Here is a copy of Michael Spencer's post:

1. Assuming they don’t want to hear that they are loved. (Dads….are you listening?) No one is as mature and “beyond” the need for affection as they appear to be. There are some hard cases, but most of us are never too old to treasure those people who tell us they love us.

2. Assuming they no longer appreciate a hug. Ditto from above. It’s a small thing, but there’s something primal about it. I sure didn’t ask for enough of these from my mom and dad. My loss.

3. Assuming all they want is money and material possessions. Such an easy mistake for us to make because that it is such an obvious and frequent place to hear the words “I need…,” and so much conspired to tell us this is what “love” means in our culture. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

4. Criticizing them for cultural differences between our generation and theirs. Lay off the clothes, tattoos, piercings, music, video games, movies and so on. It’s not that important. Our young adults don’t need us to imitate James Dobson or bombard them with links to articles warning them to not waste their life. They need a solid example of true joy, simple pleasures, genuine spirituality and the ability to see beyond the cultural distractions to the important places in a relationship.

5. Not asking questions in the right way, in the right spirit or with the right attitude. Be gentle. Intensity needs to be in the service of compassion. Don’t harbor the illusion that its OK to throw your frustrations and fears onto your children when we are commanded to cast them on the Lord.

6. Failing to remember what it is like to be a young adult, especially in the areas of insecurities, emotional wounding and feelings of insecurity. It wasn’t a picnic, and there were times when we were all so afraid we weren’t going to get anything right. And for many of us, there was a particular fear that our parents would be especially disapproving of any of our failures.

7. Fussing at them about their spiritual journeys. Assuming that their relationship with God must follow a path that we recognize as acceptable. God has a unique path for all of us, and no one can see or anticipate how God is going to work in the lives of their children.

8. Forgetting how much failure is a part of growing and acquiring wisdom. God forgive us for perpetuating the myth that Christianity is a religion of prosperity and success. When our children fail, we should be their most certain supporters, not their judges.

9. Forgetting that no matter how much a person has said they want to be an adult, when you get there it’s not at all what you expected it would be. My students like to say “Keep it real.” I think it’s the job of a parent to help an adult child to always keep a realistic view of what it does and does not mean to be an adult. Believe it or not, most of them consider us to be the best model for what it means to be a grown-up. Ha!

10. Sometimes, it’s very hard to be away from home, to be on your own and to be convinced you’ll never find someone to love you. We lose track of the emptiness and loneliness. We buy the idea that it’s great to be a young adult, but there are so many moments when things are hard and confusing. Don’t forget those moments when life seemed completely overwhelming and what it means that mom and dad took some small opportunity to acknowledge that with kindness.

11. Contemporary culture has made the addictive sins of young adults a high priority. We should have great compassion on those who are caught in them. I think it’s really time to get past being shocked and start being constructively helpful. We all have a sin problem. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes not. But the person who is in the ditch isn’t very different from those of us who aren’t.

12. We should remember that young adults need to grow as Christians. They do not need to be thrown into positions of leadership and ministry before they are ready or because they make the church “look good.” We’ve been incredibly selfish as evangelicals when it comes to our goals with young adults. We’ve been far more interested in what they can do for us than in what we can do to encourage and develop them as Christians and fellow brothers and sisters.